Vern's Verbal Vibe

Singer-songwriter/multi-instrumentalist and purveyor of folk 'n' roll: spirit-filled sad songs made better.

January 12, 2007

Furthermore, I Beseech You, Dear Writer, to Refrain from Assigning Convoluted, Elongated Monikers to Posts in the General Vicinity of the Blogosphere

No time for a proper post, so instead I bring you this witty and succinct guide to the written word:

Rules of Writing
  • Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
  • Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  • And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
  • It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  • Avoid cliches like the plague.
  • Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
  • Be more or less specific.
  • Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  • Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  • No sentence fragments.
  • Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
  • Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  • Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  • One should never generalize.
  • Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  • Don't use no double negatives.
  • ACRONYM (Acronyms Cloud—Rarely Or Never Yield—Meaning).
  • Eschew ampersands & abbrev. words.
  • One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  • Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  • Use of the passive voice is to be avoided.
  • Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  • Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  • Kill all exclamation marks!!!
  • Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  • Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
  • Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  • Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  • If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
  • Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  • Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  • Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  • Who needs rhetorical questions?
  • Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
  • Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


Blogger Shannon said...

That is beautiful, oh my did I giggle are more than one of those!

!! ;)

1:21 pm  
Blogger Ralph Smith said...

Can't recall the last time I guffawed - this did it. :)

1:42 pm  
Blogger mcewen said...

The radio tells me that women and men have different styles of writing e-mail [like comments on blogs] Women our flowery and long winded, men are succinct to the point of rudeness. New rules for cyberspace.

7:45 pm  
Blogger Jamie said...

Oh, Vern, that is too, too funny. Though, I must admit, I feel like a grammar geek that I get the jokes! hehe. Thanks for that!

9:31 pm  
Blogger vern said...

It should be noted that I didn't invent this list; I stole it from somewhere. Well, most of it ... the ACRONYM one is my very own invention and I'm proud of it, too. (You know you're a writer when you're compelled to add to a list like this!)

9:36 pm  

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