A Cautionary Tale: President Abbie Hoffman

Imagine, if you will, an alternate reality where counterculture radical Abbie Hoffman was somehow elected president of the United States in 1972. Ridiculed as a lunatic by his opponents and considered a long shot even by ardent supporters, Hoffman lost the popular vote to incumbent Richard Nixon. But, due to a quirk in America's voting system, he squeaked through a narrow victory in the electoral college and, on January 20, 1973, assumed the presidency.

Predictably, sweeping and radical changes came swiftly to the US government. In March, Secretary of Defense Eldridge Cleaver was tasked with withdrawing all troops from Vietnam, followed by a complete dismantling of the military and all police forces. By July, Secretary of the Treasury Jerry Rubin had closed the New York Stock Exchange and eliminated the dollar as the basis of US currency, stating that money would henceforth be "free, because it's yours."

In 1974's infamous War on Sobriety, drug czars Grace Slick and Jerry Garcia oversaw the legalization of all drugs and the introduction of LSD into the country's water supply. 1975 saw Attorney General Allen Ginsberg grant clemency to all state and federal prisoners, in the process converting the country's empty prisons into ashrams and zendos. Ginsberg's other pet project was a month-long attempt to levitate the Pentagon via chanting.

By mid-1976 the United States was in tatters, and with Republican challenger Gerald Ford rising steadily in the polls, Hoffman published Steal This Election, a manifesto warning of the dire consequences of a Ford victory. In it, he insisted that Ford's candidacy was a CIA- and Mafia-backed plot, and indeed a threat to democracy itself. Ford's ascendancy in the polls, Hoffman argued, was nothing but a sure sign that the November election would be rigged. In the book's final chapter, Hoffman urged his supporters—hippies, yippies, anarchists and "lovers of freedom"—to take direct action should the November results be in Ford's favour.

Ford, of course, won the 1976 election handily, but Hoffman refused to concede. Scores of lawsuits alleging voter fraud were summarily tossed, even by such Hoffman-friendly judicial appointees as Bobby Seale and Bernadine Dohrn. As the president's conspiracy-themed rantings grew increasingly shrill and unhinged, Vice-President Huey Newton tried to talk him down from what had become his fixation: a violent revolution that would enshrine him in his rightful role as president ... for life.

One way or another, things had to come to a head. On January 6, 1977, two weeks before Ford's inauguration, thousands of self-styled "patriot freaks," fuelled by speed, cocaine and an early-morning rally with President Hoffman, stormed the US Capitol. Any remnants of a security force were swamped in minutes, as the rioters smashed windows and doors, desecrating the hallowed halls of Congress. "Start the steal!" they shouted as the melee unfolded. "The people's house belongs to the people!"

America, you have just endured four years of Abbie Hoffman's mirror image.

 

Newsflash: Toronto Bans Snow

TORONTO (KP) - In a rare show of solidarity, Toronto City Council has unanimously voted to ban snow for the entire month of November, the Kanadian Press has learned.

Councillor Clem Methuselah said, "As we all know, snow is white ... well, that's how it falls, anyway. And as such it is in direct contravention of the City's Greener Than Thou policy. We are banning snow for a brighter, greener tomorrow."

Chief Medical Officer Alvin Losparanoias gushed, "Any snow-free day is a godsend. Every year, the snow pandemic fells our most vulnerable: the homeless, the elderly, and the Toronto Maple Leafs."

And Councillor Bobby Fjord was heard to chime in, "I'm sick of Council over-regulating our lives, but even I can get behind this. It's a no-brainer. Besides, at the end of the day, the sun sets."

Word is that the City aims to extend the ban well into December.

For Beatlemanics Only

No, I'm not going to prattle on about The Beatles' remasters. I have two so far and of course, they're exquisite, both in sound and performance. Any serious rock fan—does anyone call it "rock" anymore?—is hereby commanded to buy them all.

Instead I wish to share with you a revelation, as it were, about the much-maligned "Revolution 9." Seems our crack research department has recently unearthed the 1963 version, a McCartney classic that has languished in the vaults till now. Shake yer mop-tops, kids!

(For the record, I'm one of six people in the world who like "Revolution 9" as it appears on the White Album.)

Atheist Bus: The Rejoinder

As an ex-atheist, I bemusedly note that my erstwhile brethren have taken up preaching. Now, the God of my understanding has never caused me worry, so I must confess I don't know what they're on about.

But the god of atheism—science—is these days wont to wag its finger at my ilk, offering free advice on what to eat and drink, which vitamins to take, how much exercise to get, and so on. Lifestyle is now the domain of science, and it's sloppy science: causation inferred from correlation, extrapolations from animal studies, biased research beholden to special interests. So, I offer this rejoinder (inquiries from transit systems welcome):

PM Prorogues Himself

OTTAWA (KP) - Prime Minister Stephen ("You Call Me Steve, You Die, Socialist Scum") Harper has prorogued himself for an indefinite period, the Kanadian Press has learned.

"Well, look what happened to Mr. Dion and Mr. Rae this past week," Harper told reporters. "I'm no fool. One week you're an Ottawa big shot, the next you're a night clerk at your uncle's motel. Like hockey coaches, politicians are hired to be fired ... but not me. Uh-uh. I'll de-materialize before they boot me out—the GG, Parliament, whoever; if you ask me they're all separatist motherfucking traitors. What's that, François? Oui, oui, quote me, but use the proper translation: 'les jolies souverainistes.' Now if you'll kindly excuse me, I have some urgent Senate appointments to make."