Why I Will Not Vote

Conservative: Muzzle local candidates because, God forbid, they might shoot off their mouths and tell the truth about the party once known as CRAP. Will drain tax dollars away from infrastructure, housing and arts/culture and funnel them into the military. Determined to continue a senseless, unwinnable war. Utter contempt for artists, the arts, and anything urban. This agenda is nowhere to be found on their sleek, spin-doctored web site, which befits the most tightly controlled campaign in Canadian history.

Liberal: Brought Canada into Afghanistan and fully support the war. Most notable accomplishment: served as Official Opposition that refused to oppose. Much-hyped Green Shift will transfer the tax base from income to pollution and other "bad things." Who gets to decide what's a bad thing? Oops, I forgot: a cadre of health-and-environment lobbyists have decided for us (smoking, global warming, obesity, bisphenol A). No further discussion needed. Leader prone to fear-mongering insistence that we must act now to save (our country, our planet, our children ... insert motherhood-and-apple-pie noun here).

NDP: Marches in lockstep with the toxin witch-hunters. The NDP vows to "take more poisons out of people's homes, consumer products and communities," generously giving us the gift of purity whether we want it or not. With respect to health policy, they promise to ban trans fats. Next they'll tackle "the crisis of childhood obesity." (No, Jack, it was a crisis last month. Now it's an epidemic. No, breaking news: it's been upgraded to a pandemic.)

Green: A one-trick pony and for my money, scarier than Stephen Harper. Alarmist enviro-crazies who view NDP and Liberal environmental policies as half-baked half measures. Web site reveals a take-no-prisoners approach that aims to ban all toxins and confer special rights on those with environmental sensitivities. And who gets to decide what's toxic? Oh, right: our crack team of unbiased zealots.

I vote none of the above. Though each has something to commend them, the good stuff is far outweighed by the negatives. (Yes, even the Greens; if they could run the Ministry of Transport and nothing else, I'd support them.)

For the record, this is the first time I've done this. I've voted in every election (federal, provincial, and municipal) since I turned 18.