Taking Forever, Just Like Brian Wilson Did

So, I got a Christmas card from my best friend telling me, "Santa knows what you did, and he's pissed." To which he added, "Actually, he's pissed because of what you didn't do: release the album! C'mon, Brian Wilson, let it go." Here's Brian's reply.
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~ From the desk of BRIAN WILSON ~

Yo D.,

Thanks for alerting me that Santa's pissed and I should expect a lump of coal in the sandbox this year. Gotta admit that I do feel a bit like The Pink Floyd (as we called them in the '60s ... I still don't know where the "The" went ... must ask Dr. Landy about that sometime as it's been bugging me for years ... anyway, I digress). What I mean is taking 3 years to record my new LP, Smiley Smile Simile Similar Simpleton, then another 6 months to mix the blasted thing.

So yeah, it's been mixed but we got a wee problem ... my engineer transferred the tapes—or whatever they are; he tells me they don't use tape anymore ... weird—to this little doohickey of mine called a "portable hard drive" ... and when I listened back there were these random spikes of white noise plastered over every damn one of my songs. True story. Dr. Landy said he heard it too ... wasn't just my personal hallucination. Maybe we hallucinated it together. Trippy, huh? So, long story short, my engineer is workin' on some other way to get the songs to me without the white noise. I say if he'd used Scotch 3M quarter-inch in the first place we wouldn't be in this predicament. If magnetic tape was good enough in '63, how come it's passé in '73?

What's that? It's two-thousand-and-what? Get outta town. Really? Hmm. Guess time doesn't fly when you're stuck in a sandbox with an ornery dulcimer and co-dependent shrink.

Anyhoo, it's super-peachy to know that fans are salivating for new product from yrs. truly, bummer that they're all worked up over not having same. It's coming, I swear. Mastering is up next after we sort out the white noise debacle. 'Course, I could just put it out avec the white noise ... it'd be kinda avant-garage, is that the word? Could be the "in" sound of 2058 or whatever the hell year this is. Anyway, gotta go—the dulcimer is acting up again. Probably all that sand in the sound holes.

Love, Bri

Does Humour Belong in Music?

Sorry, Frank, had to add the "u." It's a Canadian thing, you understand.

I just finished a song that's turned out to be a country/bluegrass number, complete with two tracks of down-home knee slappin' to drive the rhythm along. Despite the setting the lyrics are hardly standard country fare, and one line in particular begged for something a bit special on the instrumental side:

And this nagging voice says I've taken the wrong train
Yet your whistle cuts through like sheets of sound by John Coltrane

I've got a keyboard fiddle sawing away on the right side of the mix, and I thought it'd be so cool (and funny) if my virtual fiddle could somehow quote a bar of Coltrane over that last syllable, ideally something recognizable and not too far out. To my utter delight, the opening phrase of "Acknowledgement" from 'Trane's masterwork A Love Supreme fit like a glove, transposed into the right key, of course.

So my virtual fiddle and I answer Zappa with an exuberant "yes," and this is one of the many reasons I love making music. A love supreme indeed, y'all. Yee-haw!

Oh, and I used my Nonno's mandolin on this track. It's a Strad-O-Lin, 50 years old at least, and sounds terrific but I'll need to take it in for some serious intonation work. I could only get one chord in tune at a time, so had to record the part on six different tracks and stitch it together.

In other news, I'm saving up for this dulcimer. I tried it out at the store a few days ago and it sounds as gorgeous as it looks, all dronish and shimmering. Apparently the dulcimer is prominent in certain streams of American country music, but I'm more familiar with it in the context of British folk (e.g., Steeleye Span), and that's how I intend to use it. Not that I know how to play it, but that hasn't stopped me yet...

The Case Against Evil

With a weighty title like that, you might well expect a lofty philosophical discourse, cogently structured and flawlessly argued. If so, sorry to disappoint. I do, however, offer humble anecdotal evidence from the world of baseball.

Somewhat miraculously, the 2011 Tampa Bay Rays find themselves in the playoffs after trailing the Red Sox by 9 games as late as September 3. (Boston's spectacular collapse is in itself legendary, but I'll leave that for the denizens of Red Sox Nation to dissect. You know they will.)

Okay, so a team that's done rather well for itself in recent years makes the playoffs again. So what? Well, the Rays began life in 1998 as the Devil Rays, which is where the evil comes in. A quick glance at the Devil Rays' year-by-year record paints a clear picture:

• 1998: 63-99, last place, AL East
• 1999: 69-93, last place, AL East
• 2000: 69-92, last place, AL East
• 2001: 62-100, last place, AL East
• 2002: 55-106, last place, AL East
• 2003: 63-99, last place, AL East
• 2004: 70-91, 4th place, AL East
• 2005: 67-95, last place, AL East
• 2006: 61-101, last place, AL East
• 2007: 66-96, last place, AL East

In and of itself, compelling evidence that evil doesn't pay, no? That's nine last-place finishes in ten seasons. But there's more.

In late 2007, ownership revamped the team's logo and uniform and, most crucially, ditched the "Devil." In owner Stuart Sternberg's words, the rechristened Rays would be "a beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida." Lovely sentiments, but could they actually win? Let's have a look:

• 2008: 97-65, 1st place, AL East; AL Champions
• 2009: 84-78, 3rd place, AL East
• 2010: 96-66, 1st place, AL East
• 2011: 91-71, 2nd place, AL East; AL Wild Card team

That's four straight winning seasons and playoff appearances in three of those four years, and this from a team that (a) plays in toughest division in baseball; and (b) has a history of futility about as grim as it gets. So, kids, take good care when naming your sports teams. As the luminous Tampa Bay Rays have shown, good must trump evil, at least in the world of baseball.

(How, then, to account for The Evil Empire and their 27 World Series championships? Or the 1919 Black Sox? Or Roger Clemens? Ah, other posts for other days.)

Best Late-for-Work Excuse Ever

"I was in the midst of making breakfast when I sneezed, causing my belt to explode. I was delayed because I had to stop off and buy a new belt so my pants wouldn't fall down."

All true—it happened this morning—except I wasn't late. Feel free to use at the workplace of your choice.

The Almighty Knuckleball

Just finished a great article on the knuckleball by Marty Noble on mlb.com. If you're wanting the inside story behind this mysterious pitch, do check it out. Opposing hitters often find humour the best way to cope with a knuckleball, and in that spirit, I wanted to share a few of the more amusing quotes:

"Throwing a knuckleball for a strike is like throwing a butterfly with hiccups across the street into your neighbor's mailbox." — Willie Stargell, Pittsburgh Pirates

"I wish it were that easy." — R.A. Dickey, knuckleball pitcher, New York Mets

Bob Uecker, broadcaster and former catcher, on how to catch one: "Wait till it stops rolling, go to the backstop and pick it up."

You Were Expecting What, Saks Fifth Avenue?

Hilarious storefront sign spotted yesterday on a tatty stretch of Eglinton West:

HOUSE OF MOSS

FASHION'S LIMITED

Welcome to March

As we in the northern latitudes know, March is a transitional month. In beautiful Toronto, the transition is from late mid-winter to early late-winter. But here's a better take from Garrison Keillor, as heard on today's Prairie Home Companion: "March is God's way of showing non-drinkers what a hangover feels like."

Best One-Liner Ever

"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."

(Spotted in a signature file; attributed to comic genius Steven Wright.)

Ants, Ye Shall Be SAVED!

My initial reaction to the bizarre headline, "Scientists shrink Hebrew Bible to size of sugar grain." They don't claim to be leading insects to the promised land; the goal is to show the world how far miniaturization has come.

Ah, those zany humans—gotta love 'em. The full article can be found here.