Taking Forever, Just Like Brian Wilson Did

So, I got a Christmas card from my best friend telling me, "Santa knows what you did, and he's pissed." To which he added, "Actually, he's pissed because of what you didn't do: release the album! C'mon, Brian Wilson, let it go." Here's Brian's reply.
______________________________________________________________

~ From the desk of BRIAN WILSON ~

Yo D.,

Thanks for alerting me that Santa's pissed and I should expect a lump of coal in the sandbox this year. Gotta admit that I do feel a bit like The Pink Floyd (as we called them in the '60s ... I still don't know where the "The" went ... must ask Dr. Landy about that sometime as it's been bugging me for years ... anyway, I digress). What I mean is taking 3 years to record my new LP, Smiley Smile Simile Similar Simpleton, then another 6 months to mix the blasted thing.

So yeah, it's been mixed but we got a wee problem ... my engineer transferred the tapes—or whatever they are; he tells me they don't use tape anymore ... weird—to this little doohickey of mine called a "portable hard drive" ... and when I listened back there were these random spikes of white noise plastered over every damn one of my songs. True story. Dr. Landy said he heard it too ... wasn't just my personal hallucination. Maybe we hallucinated it together. Trippy, huh? So, long story short, my engineer is workin' on some other way to get the songs to me without the white noise. I say if he'd used Scotch 3M quarter-inch in the first place we wouldn't be in this predicament. If magnetic tape was good enough in '63, how come it's passé in '73?

What's that? It's two-thousand-and-what? Get outta town. Really? Hmm. Guess time doesn't fly when you're stuck in a sandbox with an ornery dulcimer and co-dependent shrink.

Anyhoo, it's super-peachy to know that fans are salivating for new product from yrs. truly, bummer that they're all worked up over not having same. It's coming, I swear. Mastering is up next after we sort out the white noise debacle. 'Course, I could just put it out avec the white noise ... it'd be kinda avant-garage, is that the word? Could be the "in" sound of 2058 or whatever the hell year this is. Anyway, gotta go—the dulcimer is acting up again. Probably all that sand in the sound holes.

Love, Bri